Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy
by Python Chick
Summary: Does it really need a summary? Various ships. Please R/R.
1. Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the annoying host, Nick Lark, and the plot, but then again, it's not really a plot and it's not completely mine. HUGE THANKS to Kungfu_Kitty for the idea! :) The other characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: April 22, 2001  
  
A/N: This is written as if the characters were actually played by themselves. But you'd probably have figured it out for yourself anyway.  
  
~~ Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy ~~  
  
Nick: Hello, and welcome to "Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy" where we show funny outtakes you never see on "Buffy". I'm your host, Nick Lark. The first scene you'll be watching is from the episode "Angel", way back in its first season:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Angel: I'm older than you and this can't ever...I better go.  
  
Buffy: How much older?  
  
Angel: I should...  
  
Buffy: (approaches him) ...go...you said...  
  
(They kiss. They kiss again. She puts her arm around him. The kiss goes on for several moments. Angel suddenly pulls back and looks away.)  
  
Buffy: What? What is it? What's wrong?  
  
(He turns to face her and growls. She sees he has his vampire face and screams. He takes a last look at her and jumps toward the window. He hits the closed window headfirst and groans in pain, slumping to the floor.)  
  
Director: Cut! Okay, who forgot to open the window?  
  
Buffy: (helps Angel stand up) Are you okay, Angel? Can somebody get him some blood?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Ouch! Now that's Motrin pain. Our next is a scene from a season four episode entitled "Harsh Light of Day", let's see what happens:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy: I'm sorry.  
  
Parker: Look, I really have to go now.  
  
(Parker turns to walk away, leaving Buffy looking sad.)  
  
Buffy: Parker, wait. I did this all wrong.  
  
Parker: No, it's cool. We'll hook up later.  
  
(Pained screaming is heard in the background and Spike runs in front of the camera to a nearby tree for shelter from the bright sun. Smoke rises up from his body and he looks quite annoyed. The cast and crew begin to laugh hysterically.)  
  
Director: Cut! What the hell was that about?  
  
Spike: Very funny, guys. Now where is the *real* Gem of Amarra?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Talk about a practical joke! I wonder if vampires get Workman's Compensation. Well anyway, the following two outtakes are from "Something Blue", also in season four. Take a look:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Spike: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.  
  
Buffy: Oh, make a move...please. I'm dying for a good lay.  
  
(The cast and crew burst out laughing.)  
  
Director: Cut! Let's try that again!  
  
Buffy: (Slaps her forehead) Slay! Slay! Sorry, the whole 'car conversation' with Riley is still in my head.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow: Let the healing power begin. Let my will be safe again. As these words of peace are spoken, let this harmful spell be broken.  
  
(Thunder crashes and lightening flashes. Suddenly, the demons disappear. Buffy and Spike continue kissing.)  
  
Director: Cut! Buffy and Spike, you are supposed to stop kissing and show your disgust for each other. This is the fifth take we've done and you two just don't stop! Let's try it again, and for Pete's sake, *stop* this time!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Well, those certainly were bloopers, or were they? Well, if you liked those, then you're bound to enjoy this next one from "The Yoko Factor" from, you guessed it, season four:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Angel: (Stops and turns around to face Buffy) Oh, and Riley.  
  
Buffy: Yeah?  
  
Angel: I don't like him.  
  
Buffy: (Smiles) Yeah me neither, let's go back to your place.  
  
(She runs to him and they leave the dormitory with arms wrapped around each other's waists.)  
  
Director: Cut! What is it with you this season, Buffy? Let's try that again and please stick to the script!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces another laugh) You gotta love those crazy kids! I know I do. Well, I hope you all enjoyed tonight's presentation. I'm Nick Lark for "Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy". I hope to see you all again, good night!  



	2. Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the annoying host, Nick Lark, and the plot, but then again, it's not really a plot and it's not completely mine. HUGE THANKS to Kungfu_Kitty for the idea! :) The other characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: April 23, 2001  
  
A/N: This is written as if the characters were actually played by themselves. But you'd probably have figured it out for yourself anyway. THANKS to all the reviewers who encouraged me to do a sequel. Inventing these scenarios from the actual episodes can be difficult work, so I hope you all appreciate the hard labour that went into these! ;)  
  
~~ Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy ~~  
  
Nick: Hello again and welcome to "Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy" where we show funny outtakes you never see on "Buffy". I'm still your host, Nick Lark. The first two scenes you'll be watching are both from the episode "Phases", from the second season, let's take a look:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Oz wakes up, opens his eyes and looks around confused. He sits up and stares around at the forest. He looks down at himself and realizes he's naked.)  
  
Oz: (Confused) Where am I?  
  
Director: Cut! Oz, it's one word! "Huh?" It's not "What?", not "Eh?", and not "Why?" Get it? Got it? Good. Let's try this again!  
  
Oz: (Confused) Huh?  
  
Director: That was great, Oz, really great! But next time wait until the cameras are rolling.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Larry: Oh, wow. I said it. And it felt...okay. (Whispers) I'm gay. (Approaches Xander) I am gay.  
  
Xander: I heard you the first time.  
  
Larry: I can't believe it. It was almost easy. I never felt I could tell anyone. (Gestures to Xander) And then you, you of all people, you bring it outta me.  
  
Xander: It probably would have slipped out even if I wasn't here.  
  
Larry: (leans on his locker door) No, no, because knowing you went through the same thing, made it easier for me to admit it.  
  
Xander: (wide-eyed) The same thing...  
  
Larry: (puts his arm around Xander) It's ironic. I mean, all those times I beat the crap out of you, it must've been because I recognized something in you that I didn't want to believe about myself.  
  
Xander: (laughs nervously) Larry, no, I am not...  
  
(Larry interrupts Xander and leans down as if to kiss him. Xander jerks away suddenly and Larry backs off.)  
  
Xander: Cut! Larry, what're you doing?  
  
Larry: Sorry, Xander, I got caught up in the moment.  
  
Director: (Feeling discouraged) Hey! I'm the one that's supposed to yell 'Cut!'  
  
Xander: Well you were 'cutting' it awfully close, so I felt it was appropriate to commandeer the scene.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) It just goes to show how you never know what someone is really thinking. Our next clip comes from "Choices" from the third season:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?  
  
Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers!  
  
Buffy: Okay, you guys, don't forget to breathe between insults.  
  
Cordelia: I'm sorry Buffy. This conversation is reserved for people who actually have a future. (Walks away)  
  
Oz: *coughbitchcough*  
  
(The cast and crew burst into uncontrollable laughter.)  
  
Director: (Laughing) Cut! That was pretty good, Oz, but we need to finish this scene so we can move on. Let's try this again with the proper response.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Gee, that Oz is unpredictable, except every full moon when he turns into a werewolf...that's pretty predictable. (Laughs at his own stupid joke.) *Ahem* Well, the next clip is from the Emmy nominated episode "Hush" from season four, let's watch:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Riley and Buffy hug.)  
  
Riley: (Mouthing the words) are you ok?  
  
Buffy: (Nods and mouths word) you?  
  
Riley: (Rolls his head back and forth)  
  
(Crashing is heard in the distance.)  
  
Riley: (Indicates he has to go.)  
  
Buffy: (Points in the other direction.)  
  
(They start to go, but then Riley holds on to her. They kiss.)  
  
Buffy: (Wipes her mouth with her sleeve) Ugh!  
  
Director: Cut! Buffy, you're not supposed to do that! You're supposed to kiss and leave.  
  
Buffy: But he kisses like a fish!  
  
Riley: (Insecurely) I do?  
  
Buffy: (Turns to face Riley) Yeah, it's pretty nasty. I guess that's why your last name is Finn, huh? (Turns to face the director.) Can we replace him with Angel and make his soul permanent? It would be much more enjoyable for me, and I think the fans would prefer 'Deadboy' to 'Fishboy.'  
  
Riley: (Blinks back tears and runs off the set)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Ouch! That's gotta hurt a guy's ego. Well, it's only Fishboy so it's not like it matters that much. Well, folks, our last blooper for tonight is from the episode "New Moon Rising", also from season four:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Tara is in her darkened dorm room, looking out the window. There's a knock on the door and she gets up to answer it. It's Willow, holding a candle.)  
  
Willow: No candles? Well, I brought one. It's extra flamey.  
  
(Tara doesn't say anything. Willow steps forward, gives her the candle, and closes the door behind herself.)   
  
Willow: Tara, I have to tell you--  
  
Tara: No, I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love.  
  
Willow: (Smiles) Great! I knew you'd understand! You're the best! I'm going away with Oz for a while, to catch up on old times, see you in a few months!  
  
(Willow runs out the door leaving Tara holding the bright candle. A tear drops down her face and onto the candle flame, putting it out.)  
  
Director: Cut! That was beautiful! (Slowly becomes angry.) Too bad it wasn't in the script! If I'd known how much trouble you kids would be; I would never have taken this job! And it's too late to fire you all so I guess I'll just have to stick it out. Now let's try the actual scene again! You kids are costing me more money than the damn show makes with your adlibbing! (Takes a deep breath and returns to sitting in the director's chair.)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (You guessed it, he forces a laugh) Well, that's all the time we have for tonight and I hope you all enjoyed tonight's presentation. I'm Nick Lark for "Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy". I hope to see you all again soon, good night!  



	3. Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the annoying host, Nick Lark, and the plot, but then again, it's not really a plot and it's not completely mine. HUGE THANKS to Kungfu_Kitty for the idea! :) The other characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.  
  
Finished: August 13, 2001  
  
A/N: This is written as if the characters were actually played by themselves. But you'd probably have figured it out for yourself anyway. Sorry this took so long, but I ran out of scenes! THANKS to all the reviewers who encouraged me to do another sequel. Another THANKS goes out to my girls/muses, Kris, Rich, and Hils, who helped me through my battle to finish these. Luv ya!  
  
~~ Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy ~~  
  
Nick: Well, I see the producers of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" have allowed us to continue with our little bloopers show, "Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy", where we show funny outtakes you never see on "Buffy". I'm your host Nick Lark. The producers have provided us with some new off camera footage for you. I hope you enjoy it. The first scene comes from "I Was Made To Love You" from Season 5.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Spike: If you want me to leave you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.  
  
Buffy: Okay!  
  
(She proceeds to put her hands on his hot, tight little body.)  
  
Director: Cut! Buffy, you're supposed to hate Spike.  
  
Buffy: But I don't.  
  
Director: You're repulsed by him.  
  
Buffy: But I'm not.  
  
Director: He chained you up and threatened you.  
  
Buffy: Yeah, too bad that's over.  
  
Director: How about this: if you don't follow the script, you're fired.  
  
Buffy: Okay people; let's try this again!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) And they say men are pigs. Well, anyway our next clip is from the episode "Intervention" also in Season 5.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Glory: He doesn't look very fancy to me.  
  
(She grabs Spike by the lower lip and pulls him upright.)  
  
Spike: Hey, careful with the lip!  
  
Glory: But if the Slayer protects him, maybe appearances are deceiving.  
  
(She throws Spike onto her round bed. He lands on his back with his hands pinned underneath him. As he groans in pain, Glory straddles him.)  
  
Glory: Oh, Spike, you're the *big* bad!  
  
Director: Cut! Glory that's Buffy's line, not yours...try to stick to your own script.  
  
Glory: (pouting) But I'm a God for crying out loud! I demand some fun!  
  
Director: Glory--  
  
Glory: Why do I have to spend all day with these grubby minions? Why does Buffy get all the hottie vamps?  
  
Director: There'll be no Hellgod and vampire shaggage today--  
  
Glory: (dreamy-like) He's got such nice lips, and well-defined cheekbones, and, well, don't get me started on his ass.  
  
Spike: I've seen a few creepy things in my day, well, night, but this one tops the charts. Can't we just omit the bloody scene?  
  
Director: No.  
  
Spike: Please?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Wow. She really is a nutcase, huh? Well, here's our next scene from "The Yoko Factor" from season 4.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xander: She...kind of left that part out, huh?  
  
Riley: Yeah, she did. That explains a lot of things that...I wish weren't explained.  
  
Xander: Hey, man, that's all ancient history.  
  
Riley: (scoffs) She went running to LA to bone up on her history.  
  
Xander: Yeah, probably.  
  
(Riley looks surprised.)  
  
Xander: Well, don't tell her I told you, but it's been said you're not really a stevedore.  
  
Riley: What?  
  
Xander: (sighs) She says you're bad in the sack.  
  
(Riley doesn't say anything.)  
  
Xander: Yep, she's probably working off some built-up tension right about now.  
  
Director: Cut! Great shot guys. Unfortunately the censors don't approve of this scene, so we'll have to change it. Good work though!  
  
Xander: We were taping that?! (looks over at Riley) Uh, sorry, man.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) That Riley's got such tough luck...or maybe just some really bad genes. Well our next scene comes from season 5, called "Into The Woods". Enjoy.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Spike: What took you? (puts a cork in a bottle and sets it aside) Guess it takes a while to get back to full strength after those bites.  
  
(Riley grabs Spike by the shirt and pulls him up out of the chair.)  
  
Spike: Hey! Hey, let's be reasonable about this.  
  
(Riley slams him up against a pillar.)  
  
Riley: You may have noticed, Spike, (punches Spike in the face) I left reasonable about three exits back.  
  
Spike: Look, I'm not the one who got you into this. Don't kill the messenger.  
  
(Riley scowls. He pulls back his arm; there's a stake in his hand. He plunges it into Spike's chest. Spike gasps.)  
  
Riley: Why the hell not?  
  
(Spike lets out a painful yell as he crumbles into dust. Riley stands there, looking bewildered.)  
  
Director: Cut! Riley, you idiot, you weren't supposed to actually stake him!   
  
Riley: I thought it was plastic wood-grain...  
  
Director: That's just for the script. Somebody call that demon that resurrected Darla. And get Dru; tell her that Spike needs to be turned again. He is not gonna like this.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Ouch! That's gotta sting. Good thing Riley's gone, huh? They can't really afford his stupidity. Anyway, the last scene of our show is from "Spiral", again from season 5.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xander: Hey, we gotta be like Sergeant Rock. Cool and collected in the face of overwhelming odds.  
  
Anya: *Over*whelming? (turns to him) How much more than whelming would that be exactly?  
  
Giles: Look, everything will be all right, we just need to stay here calmly. As soon as Buffy arrives-  
  
(A large RV drives up and screeches to a halt in front of them. The windows are covered with aluminum foil. The gang waits patiently on the sidewalk for any sign of Buffy. A few minutes pass by.)  
  
Director: Cut! Buffy, you're supposed to open the door for them. What's going on in there?  
  
(Someone stumbles around inside the camper and muffled whispering is heard. Buffy steps out of the RV, her hair mussed, her cheeks flushed and her shirt on backwards.)  
  
Buffy: Um, what was my line again?  
  
Director: You don't have any lines yet. You open the door and sit down at the table.  
  
Buffy: Oh, right, (glances back inside camper at someone) well, um, can I go back in now?  
  
Director: (Slaps forehead) You kids are wearing me out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nick: (Forces a laugh) Well, that's it for our show, I hope you all enjoyed watching these scenes; I know I did. I'm Nick Lark for "Funny Outtakes You Never See On Buffy". I hope to see you all again, good night!  



End file.
